First Steps of Motherhood as a Lesbian

When the frozen sperm option is exhausted, there really is only the option of finding someone willing to give you his sperm and help you and your partner on your quest to be mothers. If you are like my partner and I, that was much easier said than done. By the sheer luck of the universe, or whatever diety you believe is out there, we found someone generous enough and willing to donate.

I caution other women to really search their hearts if they go this route. Its a 'known donor' which means that you will know this person. In our case, we didn't know him that well, in fact he was a relative's friend who lived out of state. I caution you to sit down with this man and discuss what both of you are expecting. In our case, we spent three months discussing over the phone (since he was out of state) and through email the details of our arrangement.

We offered to send him pictures of the baby or have visitation with the child. The only thing that we didn't want was him to be the father of this baby, financial or physical help raising this baby. He chose not to have a relationship, and spent a lot of time thinking on his decision and his options. I am incredibly grateful to him for his role in this baby's conception. We also discussed the logistics of how we would conceive and what time and money each of us would be contributing to this process. I spent three months charting my ovulation and determining a good time to try and conceive.

We decided to conceive naturally, which I know is risky for lesbian parents, as the natural way of conceiving gives the donor automatic paternal rights. I was confident in our donor's choices and our discussions with him that we would make it work the way we had arranged it.

I will write another hub at a later time about how we went about charting ovulation and fertility, as well as how often we tried. Needless to say, he visited for a week before my ovulation date and we attempted several times in the week. I was taking a pregnancy test three weeks or so later and I was positive. I am now 18 weeks pregnant.

Every state is different, of course, and that means that I am in NO WAY giving you legal advise. Instead, I am going to refer you to a family practice lawyer in your area. Luckily for me, my partner's uncle is a lawyer and he referred us to someone better equipped to handle our questions.

• Ask if you are being charged, before you start any conversation on the phone.
• Ask for a step by step on how to proceed to protect your family.
• If not already addressed, ask how parental rights are terminated in your state.
• If not already addressed, ask how second parent adoption is handled in your state.
• Ask the legal fees associated with each step.

For me, the lawyer stated that we would first need to sit down and discuss with the donor terminating his parental rights. The lawyer would draw up the form and send it to him, he would be explained his rights and if he chose to be at court for the hearing, WE would pay for his legal expenses.

After rights were terminated, we could proceed with second parent adoption, which consisted of an in-home study and paperwork and such. The whole process, from rights termination to adoption and courts would cost on average $3,500.

While I did discuss with the lawyer our options and I have programmed his office phone# in my cell phone, my partner and I have decided not to pursue anything right away. Of course, this could be a bad idea in the long run, if something were to happen to me, should I die or we split up, my partner has NO rights to our child.

That is scary, and I think as soon as we are able to get money, perhaps we will re-look into this. Until then, we will hope that the graces of whatever diety is out there will be as good to us as it has been in conception.